Friday, May 18, 2007

in the news

East Podunk, PA: Local bank manager Wolf Paulowitz resigned his position today at the Podunk County Bank, after weeks of tension and days of negotiation. Paulowitz, a close personal friend of West Podunk Chamber of Commerce president Dubya "Decider" Shrub, has been under a cloud for having allegedly given his girlfriend a promotion and an enormous pay-raise. Said Paulowitz, "she deserved it, plus she made me do it. It's not like she's my brother's kid or something, sheesh!"
While Paulowitz admits that mistakes "were made", he refuses to admit that he was the one to make them, saying, "it's the bank board's fault. I mean, how was I supposed to know all that ethics and banking stuff?" The bank board has merely said that after intense negotiations towards Mr. Paulowitz's resignation, they're just pleased to see the situation resolved without any "unpleasantness".
For his part, Mr Shrub, who recommended Paulowitz for the management job, says he doesnt see what the problem is. He speculates that perhaps the bank board "just doesnt get Wolf. You know, boys will be good ol' boys".

In other bank news, janitor D'John Jackson was also let go. Bank officials said that Mr Jackson had been late for his 6pm shift repeatedly, sometimes by as much as ten minutes. For his part, Jackson says that sometimes he didnt get off his other job until a few minutes late, but that he would get to work as early as he could. The bank will be hiring a replacement as soon as they can find someone "trustworthy" that will work for the money being offered. Said assistant manager Heywood Gebuzov, "we got a business to run here, you know".

Is it just me, or does the whole Wolfowitz thing seem absurd? Any ordinary person committing this kind of nepotism would have been fired (or at least repremanded) without issue, but when one reaches the stratosphere, the rules change. It's like something out of The Dukes of Hazzard or a Walking Tall movie, except we got no heroes to save the day, just more big-money guys covering their asses.


Omnipotent Poobah said...

I'm sure Paulowitz will share his $400K "performance" bonus with the janitor until he gets back on his feet.

daveawayfromhome said...


Oh, wait, what am I talking about, of course he got a performance bonus. He's a rich, connected guy. If he hadnt been, would there have been any kind of "negotiation"? Hell, no, they'd have just thrown his ass out the door.


United We Lay said...

seriously? West Podunk?

daveawayfromhome said...

The idea was that this sort of thing sounds more like small southern town political maneuvering rather than global. When did this sort of nepotism become alright?