Saturday, November 05, 2005

God comes to Texas

Okay, this'll teach me to keep my big mouth shut.

I was sitting in the local Cheapo Pizza, having lunch with my four-year old daughter. She likes pizza, I like pizza, it's fairly inexpensive, what could be better. I was putting my third slice of pepperoni in my mouth when my brother walked up, and so I sat there stupidly for a few seconds with my mouth open, pizza hovering between my teeth.
I was doing this because, while it's not impossible for my brother to be there in Cheapo's, or anywhere in Texas for that matter, it was very unlikely at this time. I tried to recover my casual demeanor by saying (casually), "hey Bro', whacha doin here?"
Grinning at me with a grin my Brother does not possess, He said to me, "Dave, I'm not your Brother, I'm God."
"Right, pull the other one, it's got bells on."
"No really, I'm not." He looked at my daughter. "Am I your Uncle, sweetie?"
"Oh, no." she said, "You're God."
He looked at me smugly, "they always know. I designed 'em that way."
"So the Intelligent Design people are right?" I asked.
"No, people believe stuff like ID because they just cant grasp the numbers involved with Evolution. You wouldnt believe the number of failures that lead up to one success. Still, every once in a while I like to throw in a patch."
"You still think it's an elaborate set-up, dont you?"
"I dont think it requires omniscience to guess that one. Show me a miracle."
"Why do people always ask that? Do you have any idea how bored I get from that question?"
"Show me."
He sighed, then pointed at my daughter. I awaited the miracle. I waited a bit longer. "Oh, I get it, duh, very clever. You get that out of Family Circus?"
His eyes narrowed a bit. "I like Family Circus." For the first time I was slightly taken aback, because my Brother hates Family Circus (except the ones where you follow Billy's trail around). Then He said, "especially the ones where you follow Billy's trail around."
"Okay," I responded, "I'll play along. You're God."
"You dont really belive it when you say it though."
"For the purposes of our discussion, does it really matter?"
He shrugged. "No, ultimately, I suppose not."
"So... God... what can I do for You?"
"Oh, nothing, really. I read your blog yesterday, thought I'd drop by, and say hello."
"So you really do talk to people still? I was wrong?"
"Dont take it personal, Dave. Everybody's wrong. So narrow, so limited. I gave you all a big ol' brain and logic, and you just waste it. Sometimes it really gets up My shorts."He sighed. "Still, you didnt do too bad. That bit about people stuffing Me into a box of their own making, I liked that. Keep thinking about it, Okay?"
"So, is the Bible wrong?" I asked.
"No, it's just not the whole story." He said. "It's just one little book, after all, no matter how thin the pages, and I am... well, I Am." Then He whistled a little jig.
"So the other Holy Books?", I asked.
He sighs again. "Dave, you weary Me. Were you not paying attention? Books, small. Me, big. Got it?"
"Yes. Sorry."
I looked around to cover my embarrassment, and noticed my daughter looking at Him, head cocked slightly, first one eye closed, then the other. "What are you doing?" I ask her. She giggles. "He's bigger than he is." She closed both eyes, then stared at Him intently (eyes still closed), giggled again, said, "He's lots of people", then stuck her tongue out at Him. Opening her eyes, she said to Him, "You make funny faces."
He smiled beatifically. Perhaps this wasnt my brother.
"Are you ready to take that picture?" He asked.
"No video?"
"Do you have video?"
"You know I dont."
"That's right, I do know. It doesnt matter anyway, you know. No one will believe it's Me."
"That's Okay," I said. "I'll know."
We left Cheapo's, and went out to my car, where He shook his head. "You could have ridden your bike, you know, it's much cleaner and it'd only be a few blocks. I swear you're like a bunch of kids!"
Once we were in the car, I said to Him (rather guiltily), "You probably dont care much for abortion, do You?"
"No," He said, looking in the back seat at my daughter, "I prefer miracles. That said, I also dont care much for pre-emptive warfare, factory chicken farms, SUVs, torture, or CEO salaries either, so dont feel too bad."
We arrived at the house, and went in. The cats hissed ("They always do that, the ungrateful little bastards."), the dog wagged his tail, and a young man dressed all in white holding a camera stood up from the kitchen table and said "Hello."
My daughter narrowed her eyes at him. "My cat's name is Gabriel."
"Yes, he told me", the young man said.
"Show me your wings!" she demanded.
"Please." he replied.
"Show me your wings, please."
"Later", he said, "I've got work to do right now."
God said, "Let's make it a goofy one, then I gotta go."
We made it a goofy one, and the young man handed me a blank picture.
"Polaroid?" I asked.
He shrugged. "I'm old fashioned." Then He was gone.
The young man winked at my daughter, and he was gone too, as the picture in my hand slowly developed out of nothingness.

Dave and the Lord (taking the form of his brother) making it A Goofy One

from The Gospel of Dave, chapter 3, verses 1-26

1. And so it came to pass that in the year 2005 of our Savior Jesus of Nazareth, Dave did create a post. 2. and the post did take exception to the treatment of homosexuals by modern-day Sadducees. 3. And Dave declared them to be naughty in his sight, 4. but gave himself claim to naught but speculation on the Will of God. 5. And to those who would claim that the Lord had spoken unto them, Dave also gave dispute. 6. declaring such claims suspect, and raising the Spectre of Koresh.

7. and the Lord appeared unto Dave in the form of his own brother,
and joined him in pizza, and lo, the child knew Him.
8. and the Lord said, I have seen your blog, and it is Good. 9. Let Me know if you actually do make some t-shirts, 10. For I wear an extra-large.

11. Then the Lord caused an angel to appear, holding a camera.
12. Then the angel of the Lord pusheth the button and much whirring occurred, and
13. Behold! A blank white square appeared from the Camera of the Lord.
14. Then the Lord did move on, saying
15. One miracle, coming up!

16. And Dave did watch the Polariod, and an image appeared, and Dave said,
17. Oh, grey-scale image, very funny, ha-ha.
18. Then Dave did smite his own forehead 19. For the Lord looked just like his own Brother! 20. then Dave did say, None shall believe me when I tell them!
21. Then did Dave notice the Miracle, 22. for upon the faces of Dave and the Lord there had appeared clown noses, 23. And upon the heads of Dave and the Lord there appeared pointy hats, 24. when Dave knew in fact that they had not donned such a devices upon themselves.
25. and Dave did laugh, praising God and saying
26. Hee hee, good one.


Pope Benedict XVI said...

The good Reverend read this post, and he and I want you to know we both loved it. Even though you trashed me earlier, Jesus taught us well about forgiveness.Bless you my child.For your efforts you will now get a 20% discount at all participating Vatican gift shops.

daveawayfromhome said...

Have you got one of those crucifixes where Jesus' eyes follow you around the room? I love that shit.

Pope Benedict XVI said...

No Pope John XXIII gave that away to Jacqueline Kennedy, along with half the ranch, as you would say in Texas. You could call Ted, he might know where it is. Be sure to call him earlier in the day, he's not as sharp at night.

daveawayfromhome said...

No, I'd better call him late. He might not want to give it up if he's sober.