The crisis was that my wife of 15 years asked me to move out. She says she still loves me, but that she cannot live with me. Ironic, considering just a few days earlier I'd commented to Lydia that "love was easy, it's commitment that's hard" (or something to that effect). She says she wants me to figure out who I am, and get myself organized, and my head on straight. To be, in a nutshell, happier.
Does this sound counter-intuitive? Throw out your husband who loves you in order to make him happy? Well, yes, it does, but she had a weird kind of logic to it, and funny thing, she may be right.
I'm not happy.
But...
I'm figuring out some things, and I'm active again. I had a "joke" about my life, that it was work, sleep, work, sleep. It wasnt actually that funny, though, because it was pretty much true, if you count out all the time I spent watching TV, and waiting.
Waiting for work, waiting for my wife to get home, waiting for the kids to be ready, waiting for whatever plans my wife had made for me, waiting for the weekend, waiting for nice weather, waiting for the kids to grow up, waiting for the next holiday, waiting, really, for everything. I was in limbo, and doing nothing there.
I had a new digital camera, but rarely used it. I had a new scanner still in the box. I had ten years worth of unfiled paperwork (I was surprised too). I had a complete darkroom which I didnt have set up. I have a garage full of stuff. I have a car sitting in the driveway (for three years!) in need of relatively minor repairs. I had all sorts of things that needed doing, ranging from major to miniscule, and I did none of them.
My excuse was always, "I need more time", or "I need more space".
Well, guess what? I've got both.
Accomplished so far:
1. Scanner set up
2. about half of the paperwork work sorted.
Doesnt sound like much, I know, but it's just been six days. Today is the seventh. I'm tempted to say I'm resting, but I'm not. I've got too much to do.
So, I'll be thinking about what makes me happy, and how to become more fullfilled, and trying not to be such a grumpus when I am at home (I'm still picking up the kids after school). She hasnt left me yet, not really, so things arent over. They're just... I dont know. That's what I've got to figure out.
8 comments:
All right Dave, my thoughts are with you now. This sounds tough, but it also sounds like you're being active and taking steps to improve the situation you've found yourself in. Does this have an air of finality? Is your wife actually giving you space to fix things, and expecting you to do better, or does she just want things to end? Either way, take heart and be strong.
I am so so sorry, my friend. I feel like the most selfish arse in the world, sending you emails and whining "woe is me". I hope that you and your wife can come together and decide what is best for both of you. I wish you strength and peace of mind. XO
@ Chance: No, not final, and yes, she's giving me space to work. Literally, actually, since I'm currently residing in her parent's empty townhome. She doesnt want to end the marriage, she just decided she cant live with me right now. She says I need to get out of the nowhere zone I'm in, and she's right. I've been depressed and moody and most of all, in waiting mode for years.
Among that paperwork I mentioned - a reciept for the last real family vacation we took, back in 2005. I couldnt believe it had been so long. That's just not right.
@ Lydia: You're not an arse, and keep the e-mails coming. One of her complaints is that I dont seem to communicate with anyone. It's mostly true, too. I dont go out, I dont see friends, I dont do anything but work and sleep and hang around the house. Time for me to wake up! Time for me to mingle! This town has got a bunch of people I know, and I never see them. It's ridiculous.
If anything, I ought to apologize to you for how little I send you e-mails and stuff. I've made friends in the blogosphere, and I dont give them nearly the attention I ought to.
I dont go out, I dont see friends, I dont do anything but work and sleep and hang around the house. ~ This is ME as well Dave..because if I actually live my life the ball n' chain gets paranoid, jealous and a whole host of other negatory bullshit.
Relationships...they always come to this point..I swear to Buddha. Someone is always tired of someone else's way of living and feels the need to make them change THEIR life so that the person demanding the change can be happy.
At least that is where I am at right now in trying to break down wtf is going on in my relationship. sigh...
Hi Dave, I hope it works out for the best and that not only are you happier but that you get it back together again with your wife.
Peace.
i am reminded of how lucky i am. for that i thank you. as for you, i am reminded of roger waters character in the movie the wall who trashes his hotel room to shit and then hanging on the edge, reassembles all the broken pieces back into new forms.
you go man. it's all in front of you.
Yow! Good luck, man, good luck. I remember my divorce and do not wish it upon anyone. You're a smart guy, you'll work it out. For what it's worth, I've found that stepping away from this idiot box with a keyboard helps greatly - all around, with everything.
You mentioned "she" and "logic" in the same sentence. That can sometimes be a really bad mix.
All kidding aside, I hope things work out for the best. Your report just makes me wonder how long it's going to be before my wife decides I'm useless. I guess I better start fixing a few things around the house...let her know I think of her sometimes. Even when I don't.
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